Birthday

Today would have been Ryan's 40th birthday. Would have been: 3 verbs that change the world.

I remember being in Mrs. Johnson's english class and being quizzed on the "being verbs" and "the other list of verbs" that one would not normally think of as verbs. Verbs are supposed to be action words. For those not in the know, every sentence must have a subject and a verb or it's just not a complete thought. Problem is, not everything in life action, therefore not every complete thought is going to be one describing activity. Enter "the other verbs." I've always thought these words were verbs just because someone really liked the rule about needing a subject and a verb and couldn't come up with any other way to resolve the issue of inactive words.

Mrs. Johnson was a strict teacher and so, even today, I remember these lists: am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been, have, has, had, do, does, did, shall, will, should, would, may, might, must, can, could. Ta da; Mrs. Johnson would be proud.

Those words in that list above are supposed to be words without power. Writers are discouraged from writing sentences using only "verbs" from these lists. The idea is that those sentences aren't powerful enough, they don't contain enough action, they just lay there. But then we come to this sentence: Today would have been Ryan's 40th birthday. The only verbs in this sentence are from that list. It should be powerless and yet it is a sentence that changes the world. It changes my world. It changes my children's world. It changes my in-law's world.

Today I was in a car crash. I'm tired of rehashing the details. I say it wasn't my fault; the ticket says otherwise. When I was finally out of the car, I wanted just one person: Ryan.

This is how it always is. Parenting crisis arises; I want Ryan. I don't feel good; I want Ryan. The bills are overwhelming; I want Ryan. The car breaks down and needs expensive repairs; I want Ryan. The kids do well; I want Ryan. The kids hurt; I want Ryan. I do well; I want Ryan. I hurt; I want Ryan. We get in an accident... yep, I want Ryan.

How long does this last? Will I ever stop wanting Ryan here? Will I ever stop wishing he could come driving up and rescue me, my knight in shining ball cap, riding his white minivan, (yes, he drove a minivan, he was man enough for it). Does it ever go away? Why, when things are the worst, do they have to be made even harsher by the pain of missing him?

Sarah said that in the accident she felt like God's arms and her dad's arms were around us, protecting us from being hurt. Strange how in the same moment that I most keenly felt his absence, she most keenly felt his presence.

It all comes down to 2 things: 1. Mrs. Johnson was wrong, those are powerful words and 2. I miss Ryan. Today would have been his 40th birthday. I was supposed to throw him a surprise party today. What I wouldn't give to have my life back...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhrPMJe8LE