2 weeks and 1 day

2 weeks after Ryan died...
J.D. won the role of Harvey Johnson in the Oasis High School production of Bye, Bye Birdie, (he's in 7th grade, he beat out high schoolers for this spot!). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKhR8QtQ4do

And on the same day, Sarah was voted by her Thunder cheer team into the homecoming court. She's 10. It feels a little strange to be shopping for a homecoming dress for your 10 year old. We're highlighting her hair tonight.

2 weeks after Ryan died and life is moving forward. The children still live. They amaze me.

I feel like the guy that fell asleep one day and woke up 100 years later. I feel as if so much of my life has been spent with one foot in 5 years ago, the Ryan and life I used to know, and one foot trying to touch the present... and now both feet are in the present, or at least trying to be. I'm amazed that people have lived at all for the past 5 years. They've been living, really living. They've done things, accomplished things. People have changed in 5 years. 5 years is a really long time. And yet, not near long enough. It's a Friday. I'd love to be driving to the nursing home to visit Ryan today.

Ryan's body is in an urn in the dining room. It's hard to fathom that his whole body fit in there. I remember how strong his arms were. I'd love to touch his arm again.

I went to lunch with Ryan's parents today, after work. They're hurting pretty bad. They're going to go to the local cemetary and see what it would cost to have Ryan interred there. I've pretty much decided that would be the best, better than the dining room anyways. I'm terrified one of the kids is going to knock that urn over one day. That would be a disaster.

I talked to social security and I'm a bit disturbed. Now that Ryan's gone, our family max benefit has gone up by $500/mo. This bothers me. The lady, who was very nice, by the way, told me that survivor benefits are higher than disability benefits. That's stupid. I don't like this $500. I'm going to put it in savings every month. I don't know what else to do about it. I told Joel that when he goes off to college next year, I'll give him $500 a month. Ryan always wanted to help the kids get through college. Now he'll be able to do that.

I realized something today, 2 weeks and 1 day after Ryan died. It's stupid really, but I'm going to put it here anyways. I realized I really like my job. I like it because it's ordinary. I like it because it makes me feel like a regular, average person, just someone that works in the Publix Deli. In the deli, I'm not the wife of the guy that was sick for 5 years, or of former LCSO Sgt Ryan Willin, or of the guy that just died of that weird disease. I'm not the lady that can write. I'm not the "strong one." In the deli, I'm just the lady that cuts your meat and cheese, maybe makes you a sub. For 5 minutes today I felt something I've not felt in years. I felt normal.

As I was walking out of work those 5 minutes hit me. I wondered if this was how Ryan felt when he left work each day.

When I first arrived in Sarasota the day before Ryan died, I asked the hospice nurse, Kathy, "Are we really doing this?", "this" being the death thing. She said yes, we were really doing this. It was surreal, a place I never fully grasped that we'd make it to, although I'd had years to prepare for it. Today as I walked out of work and held tight to my 5 minutes of normal, I realized that I'm really doing this, "this" being the living thing. I'm really working. I'm really raising 4 kids on my own. I'm really making it. I'm really alive.

It's 2 weeks and 1 day since Ryan died. Yesterday I know the kids made him proud. Today I think that maybe, just maybe, I did.