If I could have named the journal over at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ryanwillin, I would have named it "How to Lose Your Life, for Dummies." We've all seen the famous "for Dummies" series of books at the store. "Windows for Dummies." "Christianity, for Dummies." "Islam, for Dummies." The list could go on, couldn't it? The "for Dummies" series of books breaks things down into every day, understandable language and explains it, so that everyone can understand. I appreciate this series of books, more than I'll ever be comfortable admitting in public.
When Ryan first became ill, I searched book stores for a comprehensive guide detailing how to lose your husband, how to watch your world fall down, how to move through the valley of death, how to do this thing called dying. I never found one. Over the years we dealt with Ryan's illness, I discovered that he wasn't the only one that lost his life to Pick's disease. The children and I lost ours too. Everything that would have been if Ryan had not become sick, every hope, every dream, every plan, even our house and cars, everything was lost. My identity changed. I tell you assuredly that the person formerly known as Tia Willin in 2004 no longer exists today. She is gone.
Caring Bridge does not allow you to name your journals. This does. Now that Ryan's battle is over, the kids and I have entered the next phase. Once you lose your life, the next step is to find it again. That is what this blog is about: How to Find Your Life.
I don't know how to do that yet, but that's okay. When Ry and I started that last journey, we didn't know how to lose your life, but I wrote about it anyways. I muddled through, and learned as I went along. We're going to do it again, only this time we're finding, not losing.
I welcome all who want to come along for the ride. I only ask you to remember one thing, as you peer into the journey that is my life: The Journey is the Destination. I'm not promising that we'll arrive anywhere. I'm only promising you a window into the journey.
Many a writing teacher has told me to write what I feel, write what I know. You've done that in spades. This is what I feel, what I know. You and Ryan have just made my marriage better for having read your blog. The problems that my husband and I have had in the past few days seem trivial now, but I am more determined then ever to make this last long, soul searching talk we had help us to be better, to not find ourselves back in a rut we've found ourselves circling back to for years. God bless your journey. I am praying for you daily that God gives you a road map to the destinantion(s) you need to arrive at. Thank you for opening up your mind.
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